Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Take On Relationships With Japanese Men (and where to find one)

I saw many threads/blogs describing Japanese men. With some I agree, but with some I don't.
In terms of serious/marriage relationships I've been only in one (and the guy is my DH now). However, I've been approached gazillion of times, some even pretended to be my friends and some didn't even care I'm already taken. Anyway, if you are interested in how it's like to date Japanese guys (or if you are already dating and just want to "compare notes" lol), read on:




SHYNESS:

Even though many forums and blogs will tell you that "Japanese guys are shy", I think it really, really, really depends on the person. Like, I wouldn't even generalize here. I've had guys asking me out on the first meeting and some even before meeting in-person! Some kept pursuing me even after hearing I'm not single, and some even went through the trouble of pretending to be my friends/students/clients so that it will be "harder" for me to reject(??)
Frankly, "do you have a boyfriend?" would probably be one of their first questions, whether you meet in a bar,club,school,work,wedding...probably even funeral!
Now, I'm sure some guys are shy, but I think the percentage is rather similar to any other foreign country.
My own DH is a countryside-boy, but he too wasn't shy at all and asked me for a relationship pretty quickly...

PUBLIC DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS:

Here I have to agree that the percentage of Japanese couples displaying public emotions (kissing, touching butts, making out in parks, etc.) is wayyyy smaller than in the foreign countries I've been to, but it does exist.
First of all, what I noticed is that holding hands in public is largely acceptable. Secondly, my own DH doesn't mind kissing (and more! *hush-hush*) basically anywhere we go. But just because some J-dudes are more open about it then others, doesn't mean it's widely acceptable...after all, we were kicked out of a combini store by some idiot seller (and we really just had two innocent kisses. We were not making out!!) and once DH's co-worker saw us walking while hugging and me having my hand in the back-pocket of his pants and commented to the rest of the office how disgusting we are lol

SAYING "I LOVE YOU":

DH and I say "I love you" every day and several times a day...but I realized that it's because we communicate in English. Saying "I love you" in Japanese doesn't sound natural...like in terms of the language itself, not because Japanese people don't want to say it. Err my point is that if you want your J-guy to say "I love you" talk to him in English :D

HOW TO MEET JAPANESE MEN/HOW TO GET A J-BF:

In my case, I met my DH because we were colleagues, but more common ways to meet are:

1) Online. So many guys openly state they are seeking for a girlfriend/marriage partner. And from my experience, even when you go to non-dating website and join FB culture exchange groups/hobby groups, where guys state  that they are only looking for "culture exchange/language exchange/friends" most likely they will try to pick up on you anyway.

2) Bars/Clubs/universities/your own workplace in Japan. Obvious choice, isn't it? lol

3) Become a language teacher. I didn't know for sure until recently (although I was starting to get suspicious) but, it's actually a famous way "to get a girlfriend" among Japanese men. Like, it's actually written on the net when they google "I want a foreign girlfriend" or something like that.
So, big disappointment if you are actually hoping to get "real students", but a great way to meet men who actually have a stable job with nice income.

4) Basically, any-and I mean it-ANY event/place! Japanese guys wouldn't approach you in a cafe and would unlikely to start a conversation on the train, but other than that, any place I went to and any event I've attended to had at least several J-guys actively hunting for a girlfriend.


Good luck :)

8 comments:

  1. We have a stereotype of Japanese guys that we think they are generally sexual and wild, so shyness would not come through my mind at all when I think of them, haha! It is the same in my culture that people don't easily say "I love you" also because it doesn't sound natural but I wonder why it sounds natural in English? I don't really get it ... I "trained" my hubby to say that in my language anyway so I get to hear it once in a while, hehe :P And I totally think it is cute to hug and walk and put your hand in his back pocket! I would sometimes get disapproval stare too when we get compassionate (not even passionate like you were saying). I sometimes think it has to do with the type of couples we are. Perhaps Japanese bf and Japanese gf doing that would earn more "Awww" instead of "You are disgusting/ horny", do you agree?

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    1. I meant "affectionate", not "compassionate" ;)

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    2. Wow,, that's the impression Chinese got on Japanese? Haha that's so different from what the western girls say.
      When you kiss/touch do you get the disapproval stare in US? What about HK? Is public affection a common sight there?
      As for the "I love you"- yes, even in Russian it doesn't sound natural to just keep saying it so often (although couples do call each other "baby", "sweetie", etc). Do you call each other "pumpkin" or "darling" or something? And do you have equivalent in Chinese??

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    3. I think Chinese are still influenced by the history when the Japanese soldiers mistreated the innocent Chinese women during war times and the stereotype of the guys being sexual is still growing strong because of the AV industry in Japan.

      It might sound funny if I tell you Mandarin Chinese has more affectionate terms that couples would use naturally like "darling", "my love", "baby", but Cantonese Chinese is kind of conservative. If we have to talk affectionate, we make up names like "B B" (meaning baby), "piggy" meaning "darling". Cantonese is pretty awesome, we still make up new words all the time. I found myself missing out on new words after leaving Hong Kong for a while!

      I think we used to get more disapproval stare in Hong Kong by some older men who feel unsure about Brandon, like why is he here? By it is not too bad. In the U.S. we used to be called cute couple when we were dating 10 years ago. Once in a while now in the U.S. people come up to us and comment how we like each other when we are just holding hands. I think as we grow older we get less disapproval stare in both places.

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    4. Awwww "piggie" means "darling"? I call my husband "pork" all the time! I gotta show him this comment so that he stops thinking it's an insult. I also sometimes call him "cockroach" and "poop". Same loving nicknames exist in Cantonese Chinese? (just kidding)

      It's interesting that as you grow older you get less disapproval stares. I would think that it's the other way around...like, it's more natural to see teenagers kissing French style than older people do it...hehe ;)

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    5. And about the Japanese AV stuff, I don't know about other countries (I bet every place got its pervs lol), but Japanese do like to develop very interesting sex businesses...like, erotic ear waxing salons, sleeping together (like really sleeping together. not sex. just sleep) salons, etc, etc. I imagine that going there definitely requires a good amount of courage so I can see your imagine of Japanese not being shy lol

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    6. Sleeping together salons?? The first time I heard such a thing, hahaha! I am sure some Chinese guys enjoy watching the Japanese AV and I heard some watch it with their girlfriend, that is disgusting to me.

      You might not want to tell your husband "pork chop" in Cantonese Chinese refers to heavy and not attractive girls, haha, so you calling him "pork" might not be so convincingly sweet :p Some people add "piggy" ("chu" in Cantonese pronunciation) after their loved ones' names to make it sound cute, but it has to be a Chinese name, otherwise no one will understand. We don't have a lot loving nicknames in our "dictionary", but dating young people like to call each other husband and wife.

      I think we get less stares now because we look more married as we are more mature looking? In my culture, the stares are given to couples who are not supposed to be offiically "allowed" to cross the line I guess. And we don't do French kiss in public by the way, hehe, but we do candy kiss! Hehe, I learned it from some youth magazine when I was younger. It's actually more fun and tasty and less disgusting than you think ;)

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    7. Do they use "chu" also because it's like the sound of a kiss? Because Japanese use "chu" when they refer to a kiss or the sound of it!

      And "Pork chops"? That's really mean!
      But my point in calling him "pork","poopy",etc is also to be mean, hehe! We express our love thru being mean to each other, if that makes any sense...^^;

      Candy kisses? You mean like transferring a sucked/chewed candy into each other mouths while kissing?
      If so my son always tries to "candy kiss" me, but not with candies and not thru kisses...he just takes out his chewed meat or bread out of his mouth and tries to push it to mine...sweet, isn't it? ;)


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